Otium Sanctum - Holy Leisure

It’s over…It is finished… Woe is me… the retreat hath come to its conclusion! Okay, it’s really not that bad to be honest. Today was just a half day of retreating before emerging again into the world. I managed to write some of my preach for Sunday evening but much of it is still mulling its way around within me and I seem unable to express it on paper. I hope that by tomorrow evening it will have settled down somewhat and come out in logically sentances! I guess there are times when you need to write all your stuff down, have it outlined and other times where you just need to speak from your own heart and testimony - I wonder if that is what I need to do?

So what am I leaving these few days of retreating with? It is hard to say… there are some visible signs of change - namely a burn from the wood fire, a bump on my head from hitting the bunk bed, and some bruises from smacking my foot on the bunk-bed ladder when I forgot I was sleeping in bunk-bed and from falling UP the stairs this morning?!? Yes that’s right… it’s a wonder I am still alive, living with such danger! Welcome to my world??

I have appreciated the space to just be, to read all day, and enjoy the beauty of the countryside. I am reminded that relationship with God is not about DOING stuff for him, but simply BEING myself WITH him…in the everyday…the mundane and the special…I hope that is something I can prolong into the coming weeks… I know that so often we can easily forget the simple lessons we learn!

Ah yes, as the days progress, surely I have some major revelation to share with you? Hmmm… Surely by now I should be well into the retreat, enjoying every moment, having a sense of contentment, progress and all that. SORRY… not so much to report. Today has been an eventless occurrence in the everday happenings of my life!!

It seems I am struggling to overcome this sense/feeling of tiredness. I slept this afternoon, til about 3.30pm. I obviously needed it but it can be quite disheartening to have this availability of “time” within a day and to somewhat throw it away by sleeping! We shall see if it is wasted time or not…

I did have a little more production later on in the day - I have read the whole of the book of Job. It is an intriguing narrative and one that is on the surface not immediatly readable and engaging. It uses language that I am not familiar with, and the speeches seem to drag on… so many words to say so little! I guess at the same time that is the beauty of it - the intricate poetry that repeats in eloquet words a message that make you think! I like it when I have to ponder something, where I am not immediately told whether what is said, or presented is right or wrong. In the big scheme of the book, I, as the reader, am required to discern whether the judgements of Job’s friends are morally correct or not? I am presented with the unsolved dilemma of suffering, and the character of God - how can a just God allow such suffering? Is there an answer to this question?

Yet, the book of Job has an even more challenging and deeper question at stake - it presents me with a question of faith? Why do I serve/fear God? In light of human suffering, surely man’s natural reaction would be to reject the very existence of God?

Yes, this book of Job, this intriguing story has a deep message… one that we cannot ignore - and if you are brave enough, one that we all need to face?? I challenge you to read this book a few times over… think about what it is saying… and…be prepared…you might be shocked!

After yesterdays total wipeout I wondered what this day may hold. I managed to retrieve myself from under the covers before 9am…quite an achievement!! After some reading I decided to take myself off to Powis Castle, not too far from here. Having treated myself to a National Trust membership, it was time to make use of the investment…And it was well-worth the spend! The gardens were stunning and the interior of the castle quite a sight to behold with tapestries and artwork adorning the walls and ceilings.

As I was walking around the gardens I saw some lovely rose bushes… The smell still entracing. I was reminded of that phrase “…stop, and smell the roses.” To take time…a moment, to appreciate the beauty and preciousness that is life. I may have been on my own…(joined by most of the reitred population of Powys and surrounds), but there was something special in taking the time to absorb the wonders of creation and man-made beauty! This is God’s creation - his living artwork

I shan’t tell you what I did with the rest of my day…but lets just say there are times when I am extremely grateful for mobile broadband, BBC iplayer and Youtube!!

I do wish that this time was longer the just the 5 nights that I have. I realise that it has been such a long time since I had a “Proper” holiday. In fact, it is so long ago I cannot even precisely tell you when it was. Yes, I have had the odd day here and there, and yes, there was one week in September last year… but I mean… A PROPER HOLIDAY…where you go away…10 days or  2/3 weeks with no major agenda and no “sermon” or teaching scheduled after the break… Ah yes… a “proper holiday”?!?

Well at least in these few short days I have glimpsed into what I think is “true rest”, where the cares, schedules and demands dissapate before you, where you get absorbed in the here and now of enjoyment and beauty - smelling the roses! I may not get a “proper holiday” anytime soon but I hope that in everyday life I will be reminded to “stop and smell the roses!”

The tiredness hit me today…like a sledgehammer…It was a struggle to pull myself from under the duvet. If it wasn’t for the desire for a good cup of tea and something to eat I think I could have stayed in bed all day!

I think this is a natural part of retreating - you take yourself away from the world…and stop… To retreat does not just mean a pursuit of a spiritual experience, a “timeout” with the Lord, but I believe it is also a pursuit of physical rest. I often find when I “extract” myself from everyday life, the routine, the usual day to day living, even in a simple holiday, there are times when you simply experience that “wiped out” feeling.

I hope it passes… There is still that nagging thought, and fearful word - “Sermon” - lurking in the depths waiting to pounce… In someways I hope it pounces…especially before Sunday?!

It is a difficult thing to withraw away, alone, somewhat isolated, with little "entertainment" or social connection - I love it and I hate it. I find my insecurity & restlessness compounded - it’s "me, myself & I" but I also discover loves that often get buried within the hub-bub of everyday life.

I think it is quite something to truly learn to be content with oneself. Where distractions are removed you come face to face with who you truly are (if you allow it). You are forced to spend time with yourself - it is rather an oddity!

At times I find myelf quite content, with a book in hand or just watching the view and the life of the countryside. On the adverse side I check my mobile phone, just in case there is a message, or I fiddle around the house somewhat directionless…I’m tempted to have a peek into Facebook, and waste some hours on there. However, I know that such "activity" will produce within me a sense of frustration and discontent… I eventually settle down once more - tuning into the message of my book.

Yep…a mixed day, but I figure that’s alright…I am human afterall?!?

It’s been a while… May brought an unexpected “Blog break”… for no major reason, it was just the way it happened. I’m not promising to make it everyday in June, in fact, I presume there will be days where the blogging bug-roll will cease to exist!!

From 2009_06_01 - Pleasant View

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